When I think of our inner beings, I think of the light that’s in all of us. We get to see our light in any color that makes us feel glorious. And only we get to dictate it’s hue. As we grow from children, our lineage traumas, the projections from our mothers or grandmothers or aunts, the pain from our sisters or brothers, the hurt from our friends – it all gets placed on us. As we don’t always have the skills to know how to deal with what we’re hearing about ourselves from others, especially as children, we believe it. We grow up with those same feelings inside of us, not knowing what to do with them, even when we are adults. Shame grows from it. All of the incidents we’ve experienced can be imagined as obstacles – clouds, doors, or shadows. They’re placed in front of our light and after a while, we don’t remember what our light looked like when it used to shine without obtrusion. So we grow and we grow believing that our light is only the small glimpses that we can see. We don’t know how to remove them, and we begin to believe we’re broken. But we are not broken. We are Queens.
This week, I opened up the energy challenge on my IG stories for us to begin to be curious about who we follow on social media, why we follow them, and learning more about the feelings that come up around them. Then we began to look at the questions of how to deal with the potential insecurities that come up from people we follow, whether they are people we like or not. It’s a brave question to explore and it’s not an easy thing to get curious about because it can bring up so much shame, judgement, hurt, and the feeling of “how do I deal with this?” Once we see ourselves doing it, how can we begin to release it? Identifying something is great, but it can lead to feeling stuck and not knowing what to do with the feelings that have surfaced. And sometimes we start to believe that it’s just apart of who we are.
For me, the truth is its not part of who we have to be. Whether through our families, friends or circumstances, many of us, especially as women, have been taught it’s better to project our insecurities onto other woman rather than feel into what we need to feel more whole. Many of us have been taught that only some women can have all of the things they want, and we’re just here to spectate. When really we just want to know how can we step firmly into our purpose. We want to know how we can remove the obstacles that have been blocking us from seeing our full light. And I was asked the question “What do you do when these negative feelings come up?”
In the beginning, I didn’t know I was having these feelings. I wasn’t able to look at myself as a person with emotions and feelings without the immense shame attached, so I avoided those feelings. I didn’t truly believe I was good enough to do the things I wanted, and I also didn’t believe I deserved it no matter how hard I worked. I became an observer of my life instead of a participant. And I just watched other people living in their purpose and I didn’t feel truly connected to what my purpose was. I didn’t really believe in myself. And I was lost, because everyone around me appeared to be content with living in what appeared to me as unfulfilled lives. And with all of this I dealt with the anxiety and depression these untouched emotions were having on my body.
I began watching Ted talks, and the one that really struck me (as it did so many other people) was Brene Brown’s talk on shame and vulnerability. Up until that point I’d never even heard of those words used in a way that felt constructive and necessary. I went out and read her book, The Gifts of Imperfection. This started my journey into all of the shame I held about myself and my experiences. I began therapy and I also begin investing in myself toward the things I wanted to create. I went on retreats specifically geared toward what I was emotionally hoping to release. I took on apprenticeships from other healers, and cultivated a deeper understanding of my gift as a healer and teacher – and before using them on others, I used them on myself. I began cultivating a community of women in my life who were doing the same work – and this was big for me.
I didn’t really believe that I could trust anyone before I started doing my own work and learned how to begin trusting myself, so I began learning how to share and be vulnerable in a way that I’d never allowed myself to do before. No one had ever said to me that vulnerability was wrong. No one had ever mentioned that I should live in shame. No one had ever asked me to keep all of my pain I had inside. But somewhere along the line, I got those messages and they showed in every area of my life, including social media. Social media, before starting my self-love work, became a place where I could log in and use as an opportunity to show myself all the ways I wasn’t measuring up (aka shaming myself) instead of allowing it to be a place of motivation and enjoyment. So for me, social media was one the first places I looked at with the curiosity of what feelings I was being given from the images I saw. Why did I follow these people? What thoughts were in my head after logging off social media? I set firm boundaries about what I consumed (even on TV) and made a pact with myself to only look at things that were adding to my life – either by motivation, laughter, etc.
I also began setting boundaries and stepping out of codependent relationships that were draining me. I wrote in my journal extensively and consistently everyday to keep me grounded.
And ultimately, I allowed myself to cry. To unfold. To breathe. To grieve. I had so much hurt and pain that I’d never looked at. And we often are told to just look at the positive and know that everything will be okay – when unless we are able to look at: the things creating fear in us, our insecurities, the things we’ve never grieved, the parts of us that ache for something new, the parts of us that keep choosing the same things for ourselves no matter how unhealthy we know it to be – unless we are also able to turn our attention to those pieces of us so we can release what is no longer serving us, then we are still allowing those obstacles to obstruct the view of our light. Continuing to look at the positive with acknowledging and loving on the other parts of us is like saying yes I see bits and pieces of my light and that’s okay because its all I need, when we know it isn’t. We want to have as much of us aligned and available as we can. And knowing that only bits and pieces of our light is not enough for us, we owe ourselves the choice to choose our fullness in all its glory.
Knowing that all of us are imperfect beings. We’re all hoping that we can create the best lives for ourselves, and while we work to do that, things will come up. And even for those who appear to just be floating through life, knowing that things are happening to them too. It’s important to know that we’re not in this alone. It’s important to know that we’re all trying to work through the hard parts while still trying to move forward. That no amount of money, or lifestyle, or opportunity or followers has made dealing with shame, grief, hurt, and pain easier for anyone.
Slowly we’ll learn to have less judgement of ourselves. We’ll learn to release the shame. We’ll learn to send love to those we admire and really allow the feelings of insecurity to release. We’ll learn to give full and unconditional love to ourselves. But it takes time and work. And for some of us, we’ll always be working through some version of those feelings – because we’re humans experiencing life.
As I shared in the early post (on IG) there are so many ways you can begin to do your work. A lot of reading and writing can help you discover what you’re even searching for within, and I have a list of books below that helped me on my path. You can find a therapist, you can work with a healer or teacher. But I want you to know this: you are not broken, you are not wrong, you are not bad. You are love, light, glory, joy, peace, and you are wise. You are all of the things you’re searching for, we are all just here working to remember those pieces of us.
so much love.
Daring Greatly, Brene Brown
Codependent No More, Melody Beattie
Love in My Language, Alex Elle
The Invitation, Oriah Mountain Dreamer
A Course in Miracles Made Easy, Alan Cohen
Hero, Rhonda Byrne
Real Love, Sharon Salzberg
Becoming Wise, Krista Tippet