There has been so much brought forward for me to look at and grow from in recent months. Sometimes it can feel like we’re always working on shifting, up leveling, or creating a new or different version of ourselves. But this felt different, and I’ve noticed it’s been different for people around me as well. I’ve been revisiting a lot of emotional and spiritual growth I thought I worked through but has come forward for me to look at again.
The parts of me that thought we were done with the emotional attachment to situations and experiences had those instances dangled right in front of me like low hanging moss from a tree. And if I tried to brush it away instead of looking at it, it came back more powerful and as something I couldn’t ignore.
Even in the sadness, there have been so many revelations, opportunities, and openings for me to step even further into my purpose. There’s been sorrow and grieving for what was and what is. And I’ve learned I don’t always understand what will be required of me to step into the different roles and positions I’ve been manifesting. We often ask for what we want and then sometimes forget that much can be required.
This has felt like a true opportunity to see if everything I’ve sewn I want to reap.
There is something so tender about revisiting what you thought was done. I’ve had a lot of growth since I originally experienced a lot of these situations. But it doesn’t stop the shame that’s wanted to slowly crawl up and see if I’m available. Being well-versed in dealing with my emotions and shame, especially with work I’ve processed in some form before, gave me the opportunity to treat myself kinder this time than I knew how to do in the past. I’ve worked to have unconditional compassion for myself even though my muscle memory wanted to scream “we’ve done this already, how are we here again!?” I’ve had to make the choice, consistently, to not only allow myself to process this again from the current iteration of me, but to also not be consumed by my emotions.
I’ve also had to let myself release the part of me that wants to hold on to the fact that this is the second, third, or millionth time that I’m going through the same things. Sometimes things are so big that we can only handle them in chunks and even though they may be part of a larger story, one we may think we know the ending of but have really only made it half way through the beginning, we’re being given each portion piece-by-piece to work through as we can consume it. I’ve tried to remember to give thanks for that and find the grace in not being overwhelmed and bombarded with it all at once.
My body and mind required my full attention during this, not only to download the new information I was receiving, but to ensure that I was being gentle with myself. It’s a constant invitation to take a closer look at what we feel we’re done with. And really anything we believe we’re done with, is inviting us in for a deeper look. It’s creating more space by releasing the things that are still hanging on but serve no purpose. The stories that have cleverly refurbished themselves to a new unrecognizable state, where we thought they were replaced with something new, but it was just a paint job. Looking at these stories without judgement or shame and knowing that it’s a part of my journey.
What this does is give us the space to embody all of us – the parts we love and the parts we’re learning to love. It gives us permission to take time and integrate all of the lessons we believed we’d learned but hadn’t fully consumed. It gives us the humility to recognize that although we are growing and shifting and changing there is still so much we don’t understand and that we need God, healers, friends, partners – a whole community to help us navigate all that’s forward.
We have the power to heal anything within in us, but having support helps us to move through without feeling so alone.
I chose this topic as my first blog of this year because I wanted the opportunity to reintroduce my work in a way that was reflective of where I currently am and also invite others to share themselves. I also wanted to offer a peek into my vision going forward, which is slowly peeling away at what is being presented to us instead of searching for what we believe we need. It’s often right in front of us while we’re looking for something else.
Right now, I’m working my way through the pieces available to me. Being a guide and healer to those who entrust me to hold space for them. And sharing what I learn along the way.