A Walk Into Fall

this summer i’ve been learning about rest in a new way. and as we all get ready to walk into fall, i felt it was important to write down what i learned because this isn’t only a transition into a new season but also a bit of a birth as we go toward the end of the year where we’ll be leaving this decade behind and moving into the 20’s (is that what we’ll call it?!?).
if i’m being honest, i’m not someone who naturally knows how to rest. i’d much rather find something to do so i can go to sleep feeling like “i accomplished something.” accomplishment has been a driving force for me for most of my life, and as a WOC, every career and room i’ve been in i’ve always felt the need to be more informed, more ready, and more motivated so i could be taken a little bit serious. and in addition to that, although i thought i’d stripped myself of the need to “hustle for my worthiness” as Dr.Brene Brown teaches, i still craved acceptance. i learned this summer, that a compassionate, but very honest, awareness could follow me on my journey and point out places i could learn a bit more about myself versus the mistake of arriving at any point. no matter my age, no matter my level of accomplishment, i’m discovering that the more i know the more i am sure there’s more i’m learning. i wanted to share some of the lessons i learned this summer as a way to help you start your own #whatilearnedsummer19 list. also, i think it’s important to mention:::
it’s one thing to observe this work, ingest this work – through reading or talking about it, and it’s a completely different thing to be IN your own work.

it’s messy, it can be scary, and sometimes i (yes even me) want to just have a “normal” day. but i’ve learned that being open to understanding my feelings is a normal day. and learning how to come out of the walled up version of myself has given me more access to my emotions and has allowed me to be present to who i am (really) and love with less fear (because i’m still working on it).
19 things i learned summer 19’ #whatilearnedsummer19
1. when you share advice, ask for permission BUT EVEN MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT be detached in their outcome. they asked for your advice, not your judgement, coaching, therapy, additional comments, etc.

2. loving yourself doesn’t remove all insecurities, propensities to comparison, and the fear of not being enough. many times we’re loving ourselves the best we can while walking through some or all of the messy emotions involved with being human.

3. honesty is hard af. we ask people to show up as their true selves and most of us proclaim that we show up as our true selves, but for a lot of us it’s a struggle. we get caught up in a persona (even if that persona is supposed to be the most honest version of ourselves) and sometimes feel the need to be that version of ourselves instead of who we feel like being in the moment. you can evolve, you can shift, you can stop, you can slow down – and i think it’s all normal and apart of the human experience.

4. age can be a box. by limiting what we should know or even what we can learn, by shaping our lives based on where we believe we should be (intellectually, professionally, or even emotionally) because of societal contexts around age, we may be missing out on the joy and complexity of how our life wants to unfold.

5. motherhood is an individual experience apart of a much wider community of mothers that have come before us and will come after us. this journey is about learning how to nourish and prepare your little people for life, in the ways that you see fit (and that your children desire), while also learning about how you don’t feel prepared for the task and simultaneously knowing you’re the perfect person for the job.

6. partnerships don’t complete us but instead can hold space for us to find our wholeness within ourselves.

7. a friend is someone who is invested in your well-being, whatever that means to you. you don’t have to worry about sharing with a friend BUT they’re advice or reaction may not always be what you wanted. you don’t have to fear being yourself with a friend BUT they may not always want to join you in the ways you want to live your life. you don’t have to stop growing to stay on the same level with a friend BUT it doesn’t mean you won’t feel guilty or sad or afraid as things shift.

8. any time that i’ve uttered “i truly don’t care,” “i’ve moved on from that space,” or “that’s not who i am anymore,” it’s probably an invitation for me to keep those feelings, experiences, and circumstances, in the forefront of my mind (rather than pushing them down or moving past them) because there’s a GREAT possibility i’m too hurt to fully look at the whole picture for what it is.

9. being afraid is a part of life when you’re determined to do amazing things. stop telling yourself not to be afraid. instead ask yourself what you need to feel more confident, who you might want to talk to that can remind you of your greatness, or what you might need to give yourself to feel good and keep going.

10. there’s a lot of power in what we believe but we don’t have to fully believe in ourselves to receive our blessings. i’m still not sure how this is true but I KNOW that it’s happened for me time and time again and i’m thankful this isn’t the case.

11. when you don’t know what you need, asking people to pray for you is powerful. i haven’t actually done it often, it’s a vulnerable thing to ask (for me) but it’s a great gift to know there’s people praying for you.

12. anxiety can be debilitating and at times can keep you stuck in the past, remembering times where anxiety wasn’t a major part of your life, rather than being present to what your anxiety might be trying to tell you about your life right now. it’s important to be kind to yourself but even more important to know that you’re not alone in talking shit to yourself. we’re all learning how to love ourselves better.

13. there will be people you really want in your life, people you want to meet, people you want to grow with – and no matter what you do, how you show up, how you stay present, no matter how much you do your work – they still may not want to be with you. romantically, platonically, or professionally. sometimes what you want and what’s for you are on very different paths. sometimes, you’re being saved [from those relationships] in ways you may not even be present to.

14. to my “strong friends” – people keep reminding you of how strong you are because YOU ARE. this used to feel like a huge pain to me and i used it as confirmation that the person wasn’t really seeing what i was going through, but then i realized that THEY REMEMBERED what i’d made it through and i’d forgotten.

15. moving your body is essential. not for a certain size, but to remember that you’re in a body. do this in whatever way feels best – sometimes it’s running a marathon, other times it’s love making, and maybe it’s just a quick stretch. but make time for it because you feel different when you do.

16. there will be things that you want that you don’t have the capacity for. and you may have to go back and grieve those pieces of you over and over again.

17. some thing’s hurt you so deeply you don’t ever get over it. and the part that you need to get over is that those hurts will be with you as you learn to love and grow with them as a part of you.

18. you can be living the life you dreamed of, doing the things you never thought would happen, and receiving the abundance you never thought would come – and be tired. not ungrateful, but tired. sometimes exhaustion comes out when we’ve just learned to slow down enough and feel it. lean into it, allow it to pass, but don’t allow it to become everything.

19. there’s something special about enjoying kid like fun. running (without a reason), hola-hooping, cart wheels, making up songs, games, etc. this isn’t for everyone, but for me, it’s been a reminder that play doesn’t have to look one way. i can grow and keep the younger parts of me that i choose.

ps. these are my lessons and they may not resonate exactly with you and who YOU are so i’d love to hear your personal thoughts and lessons. tag me in your #whatilearnedsummer19 posts on IG!

love always.