Are We Really Letting Go?

This year, I’ve been thinking about what letting go is and what it means to me. Not only is it an innate part of the work that I teach, but it’s also an essential part of my self-healing journey. I’m guilty, for sure, of believing I’ve worked past a particular issue or problem and that I’ll never revisit that issue. Even though I know that’s 99.9% incorrect, I want to believe I’m doing this work. And sometimes, we don’t feel like we’ve healed a problem, issue, or experience until we feel completely DONE. Knowing that there are iterations to letting go and understand that letting go requires revisiting things over and over again, I wonder (yes, I’m pulling a Carrie Bradshaw), are we really letting go?

We all have those particular people, experiences, or family members in our lives that remind us of the wounds we carry, whether they mean to or not. In my personal experience, many of the people who cause me the most pain are the most ignorant about how their behavior makes me feel. I’m not making excuses for them, but in my self-accountability, I know that I’ve never had a conversation with them about how I feel and for many reasons. For the most part, all of them have shown me they can’t hear what I have to say in a way that would bring about understanding (agree to disagree) or healing. And also, in being self-accountable, I can be honest and say I struggle to be in a relationship with them in a loving way, possibly as much as they may struggle with me.

It’s easy to get caught in our stories about how people aren’t doing the very thing we aren’t willing to do either. And you may be thinking, “why would I show up kindly? Every time I do that, I never get it in return, or they pull the rug from under me.” Maybe you wouldn’t say think that, but I know I have.

Unconditional love is the BIGGEST CHALLENGE I’ve taken on in my self-healing journey. I’ve grown to understand that unconditional love is not only for them but for me because it frees me from the way that I’m still hooked onto our cycle. Unconditional love has also been a lesson in reciprocity because the loving energy you give into the world, people, places, or experiences won’t always come back specifically from the person, places, or experiences that you want them to. There’s grief in knowing this and also a new level of trust.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

1. We can’t stop people from being who they choose to be in the world. What we can do is honestly look at how we continue to look at them to be something else.
2. Be willing to look at the parts of us that ache for the person to be someone they may never choose to be and give unconditional/compassionate love to ourselves.
3. Sometimes it’s important to remind ourselves that we don’t always know what’s best for anyone other than ourselves (or our under-age children) – even if we have a beautiful circle of people around us that agree we’re right.

There have been many times that I’ve been more focused on being right than being healed. There have been many times that I’ve been more focused on winning validation than being at peace. There have been many times that I’ve been more interested in getting someone back than moving on.

Here’s what’s helped me reframe my mind in those moments:

1. Do you want to win more than you want to be free?
2. Do you want this interaction/energetic experience to come back to you with you on the other end? If not, how can you resolve this in a way where you aren’t settling but you’re no longer attached to the outcome?
3. Winning doesn’t equal healing.
4. I repeat, winning doesn’t equal healing. Sometimes you lose people who were with you in the battle that was never necessary.

Letting go is something that has a very fluid definition in my healing journey. Does this mean we have to keep thinking about things for the rest of our lives? No. We all have those particularly tough people, experiences, or issues that evolve with us, even if we don’t want them to. Last year we may have been dealing with one iteration of the problem, and this year we’ve dealt with another layer of it. And so on. To pretend that some of our issues aren’t growing with us would mean we’re ignoring the truth of what’s present.

We often talk about people who are with us for certain seasons, but we don’t focus on those that are with us for the long haul that seem to be there to help us graduate from the version of ourselves that chooses to stay entangled in the cycle.

Some folks have rooted themselves in our garden, soaking up all the nutrients and bearing no fruit. But, we’re the WHOLE garden. Why do we let one part of the garden be the focus? How can we shift that? I believe these are the important questions we have to ask ourselves.

What I know is that we are healing. We are letting go, but it doesn’t always have the ending or closing that we hoped it would. Instead, the conclusion often requires different layers of grief where we let go of dreams and stories that we had around this person or experience. We’re invited to breathe without anger. To be present without hate. To feel and honor what’s there without judgment.

A large part of taking my power back has been redefining what I thought healing was and owning what I need at this moment. I feel okay saying; I don’t know what I need other than what I need right now. Do I have plans? Absolutely. But those are fluid too. Fluidity doesn’t mean I don’t believe what I ask for or work to manifest isn’t coming to me. For me, it means that I’m allowing flexibility in the way that my blessings will show up – and this has been helpful in my letting go journey as well.

I invite you to redefine what letting go looks like for you. There’s nothing more powerful than owning your definition and allowing it to be a place of feeling and understanding rather than memorization. Full body knowing over everything. x